What not to do if you are a Blind Pyro Bird Kid
by nudge-potter
Summary: A list of exactly what the title says. For every list entry, I will add a short story of what happens when Iggy does do that thing. although he's not happy about it, Iggy is helping me narrate. Read and Review faithful MR fanfic readers! T for later stuff
1. Do Not build Bomb In Aiport

**Iggy doesn't get enough attention. Iggy is a lonely blind bird kid. Iggy is really bored. NP thinks this is a good idea for a fanfic.**

**I don't own. Wait, yes I do! I just realized that I'm a semi-old rich guy named James Patterson...ummmm, nevermind. Let's just say I don't own, kay?**

**Iggy: You really scare me, ya know?**

**NP: I scare everybody. It's expected of me. Get used to it.**

**Iggy: Well what if I can't?**

**NP: Then you should just deal, because you are my prisoner! Mwuhahahahaha!**

**Iggy: That laugh is really creepy and slightly disturbing**

**NP: How? I have an awesome evil laugh! Wanna hear it again?**

**Iggy: No! Please no! I have a much better evil laugh. I'm the one who practically creates bombs for a living! Remember?**

**NP: No. You run for your life for a living. So there. Making bombs is a **_**hobby**_

**Iggy: Whatever. Just start the story.**

**NP: What story?**

**Iggy: Um, the one your posting.**

**NP: Riight, I should get on writing that...**

::What Not To Do If You Are A Blind Pyro Bird Kid::

Written by Me, with (forced) help from Iggy

Iggy was bored. He and the flock were at the airport, waiting for Dr. Martinez to fly in. Max was glaring at anybody with hairy faces, and Fang was trying to tell her that those same people were not Erasers. Nudge was taking Angel and Total to go get some airport food, Gazzy was in the bathroom, and poor Iggy was all alone. He decided to go out looking for something to do. Nobody was paying attention to him, so he decided to sneak away.

Using his other senses, he found an empty supply closet. Picking the lock easily, he stepped inside. He began feeling around inside, and leaped with joy.

"Yippee!" He said. He had just found a key ingredient to make a stink bomb. Using the parts he always carried around in his sock (Max never checked there) he began building. Using his super mutant hearing skills, he heard voices outside. One of them sounded somewhat like Gazzy's. Somebody opened the door.

"HEY! Kid, what are you doing in here?!?" The deep, powerful voice demanded. Iggy just smiled.

"I know it's just you imitating someone Gaz. Come help me build this bomb." Suddenly, he felt something huge and heavy hurling toward him. The thing reached down, and he heard it calling for backup. Maybe it wasn't the Gasman...

**Iggy: That was mean!**

**NP: Well, you shouldn't have been making a bomb in an airport**

**Iggy: You made me!**

**NP: Yeah, well, Tomatoes, Squirrels**

**Iggy: What?**

**NP: You know that saying!**

**Iggy: Um, don't you mean, "Tomaytoes, Tomautoes?"**

**NP: Yeah, but it's Tomatoes Squirrels!**

**Iggy: No, because "Tomaytoes, Tomautoes" means that one person can say one version of something, and someone can say something else, but mean the same thing.**

**NP: Exactly! You say tomato, I say squirrel!**

**Iggy: But their not the same!**

**NP: You have so much to learn, young Iggy!**

**Iggy: But I'm older than you!**

**NP: Eh, irrelevant! Read on, my furry penguins!**

**Iggy: Okay, no more mountain dew!**

**NP: Shut up bird! **

**Iggy: I feel sad and depressed now. If you don't want me to be sad and depressed, you should review!**

**NP: Yeah. What the emo mutant said.**


	2. Do Not Nationally Embarrass Flockmates

**Only two review for chapter one! Tisk Tisk! But for you two people is the chapter 2. I can't promise awesomeness, because I really don't have a plan for this fic, just bear with me. Here it is... Chapter de doce! That means chapter two. Or at least I hope it does. I suck at Spanish.**

**Iggy: By the look at the grammar in the last chapter, your English sucks too**

**NP: For your information, I am exceeding the standard for Language Arts and Reading this year!**

**Iggy: Oh yeah, impressive. What are you, fifth grade?**

**NP: Seventh! and I'm as tall as you!**

**Iggy: That proves nothing!**

**NP: Oh no, young Iggy, it proves everything! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Iggy: Enough! Your evil laugh is just plain creepy! Do you practice in front of the mirror or something?**

**NP: Every night before bed.**

**Iggy: You are a sick, twisted, and demented child.**

**NP: Coming from you Iggy, that means a lot to me!**

**Iggy: Yeah yeah. Are you going to hurry up already?**

**NP: Yeah, but one thing first: Ahem, This chapter was inspired by Candibear, whose incredibly random stories are very useful for my entertainment and Iggy's torture.**

**Iggy: Torture? I didn't sign up for torture! **

**NP: You didn't sign up for anything. I kidnapped you, remember?**

**Iggy: I. can'.**

**NP: I love you too Iggy! Onward's story!**

::What Not To Do If You Are A Blind Pyro Bird Kid::

Written by Me, with (forced) help from Iggy

Max was grumpy. Iggy had just blown up her mom's dishwasher,so now Max had to wash all the dishes by hand. As she scrubbed a bowl, and thought of ways of revenge, Iggy was sitting watching TV. Well, he was listening to it, but it was enough for him. The show he was listening to was _"America's Funniest Home Videos"_, and he was laughing his butt off. That's when an idea hit him. Going to get Gazzy, he made a plan.

"Hey Gazzy! I have an idea!" Iggy called. Iggy was Gazzy's role model, and he wanted to be just like him when he got older. Max thought he had higher standards, but didn't share that with either of them. Iggy whispered in Gazzy's ear, his diabolical, evil, and hilarious plan.

A few minutes later, when Max had finished the dishes, Gazzy walked up to her.

"Hey Max? I have a question." He said innocently.

"Shoot." Max shrugged, drying her hands.

"Where do babies come from?" He blurted. Max's eyes grew big in panic. Fang, who just walked in looking for a snack, chuckled.

"You come from an egg." Gazzy began to panic, but Max calmed him down, and cast a dark look at Fang, who ignored it.

"Well...um-you see...what happens is..." Max tried to explain it, but couldn't bring herself to explain the process. She looked hilarious trying to come up an excuse. Little did she know that Iggy was hiding behind the couch with a video camera. He chuckled evilly to himself.

A week later, Iggy insisted the flock, and Dr. Martinez, and Ella all watch some TV. They crowded into the living room, as Gazzy flipped the channel to _"America's Funniest Home Videos"_. They tuned on just in time to see Max trying to answer Gazzy's question. Everyone laughed at the panicked expression on her face. Max turned to yell at Iggy, who held up his hands defensively.

"They might pick it to be the best, and then we'd win $10,000!" Iggy said.

"If we did, it would be for a new dishwasher!" Max mumbled.

**Iggy: Yay! I didn't get hurt in that one!**

**NP: Yet.**

**Iggy: What do you mean?**

**NP: Well, you're blind, and Max is very good at getting revenge...**

**Iggy: Well it's better than being tackled.**

**NP: True.**

**Iggy: Hey, when you wrote about Gazzy having higher standards as a role model, I was really insulted!**

**NP: So?**

**Iggy: You are so mean!**

**NP: Well maybe if you didn't criticize my evil laugh I would be nicer!**

**Iggy: Fine. Your evil laugh is very evil.**

**NP: Thank you! That wasn't so hard was it?**

**Iggy: yes it was. I think a part of me just died inside.**

**NP: Why are you so emo at the end of these?! (as pointed out by Erik Night Lover)**

**Iggy: Fine. I'm happy. Happy?**

**NP: Yes. Remember to review people!**

**Iggy: Yup! R&R!**

**NP: that's just what I said!**

**Iggy: Eh. Tomaytoes, Squirrel.**

**NP: That's MY saying!**


	3. Do Not Set Fang On Fire

**Iggy: HOLY CRAP! IT'S AN UPDATE!**

**NP: Okay, okay, point taken. It just so happens I was in the process of moving, and updating a story was not highest on my priorities list**

**Iggy: Oh. Well. Hmph.**

**NP: I also had to give my school laptop back (because the end of the year), but recently got a new desktop computer, and a new laptop.**

**Iggy: You have TWO computers?**

**NP: Yeah, but one is for photoshop editing and stuff, while the other is for everything else.**

**Iggy: Why do you need photoshop? Your photography sucks.**

**NP: *Gasp* I'm insulted! Sooooo not talking to you anymore.**

**Iggy: Well, then I guess I will be presenting you readers with this next chapter. Ahem.**

::What Not To Do If You Are A Blind Pyro Bird Kid::

Written by Iggy, because NP is off sulking

Iggy found the meaning of life. He finally found what made him whole inside. That things was 3oh!3. It was true, that band just made him want to dance. He nearly died of joy when he figured out that they were coming to his city. He quickly bought tickets for himself, Max, Fang, and Ella. It really wasn't a concert for the younger kids.

"OmgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgOMG!" He gasped as they walked to the building the concert was at. "This is so amazing!"

"God, obsessed much?" Max asked as they bought glow sticks for the concert.

"I have to say it's a pretty good band." Ella shrugged as they found seats. Fang said nothing, as usual.

Finally, the band came on, and Iggy wept tears of joy. Even Max felt herself enjoying it. Suddenly, Iggy got an idea. He pulled out a lighter (you all know he always has one) and began waving it around. He was a bit to enthusiastic though, and soon caught Fang's hair on fire.

"Oh my god Iggy! What the (insert swear here) did you (insert swear here) do that (insert swear here) for? Mother (insert swear here), my (insert swear here) hair is on fire! Get it the (insert swear here) off mother (insert swear here) toothbrush (insert swear here) walrus (insert swear here) rubber ducky (insert swear here) god!" Fang screamed, dancing around. Soon, he had the whole building set on fire, and everyone was running around screaming. Fang finally realized he should stop drop and roll, and got the fire off.

Iggy was trying to quietly leave, to avoid Max's wrath for burning down a building, but, like not getting hyper off a million sodas, it was unavoidable.

"IGGY!" She roared. Iggy had no choice but to endure any punishment Max was going to throw at him.

**Iggy: Ah! Max would kill me!**

**NP: I know. That's why I wrote it.**

**Iggy: Oh, so your talking to me now?**

**NP: When it's convenient. And yes, I know Max would kill you. Not to mention Fang, for setting his silky, gorgeous, wavy, beautiful head full of thick raven locks on fire.**

**Iggy: Um, way too many adjectives. **

**NP: Just making my point. And to illustrate my point, here is Fang. *poof***

**Fang (now bald): Where's Iggy! I'm going to tear him to pieces using a spork and some nail clippers!**

**Iggy: eep! I hate you NP! *hides***

**Fang: *goes to find* **

**NP: Mwhuahahahahahahaha! Review**


	4. Do Not prank Fang after fight with Max

**Yay! I feel loved! Your feedback is always helpful and your reviews make me smile! Yay! I think this fic is going well considering I don't actually have a list of what not to do, and I'm pretty much just writing these when I come up with an idea.**

**Iggy: Wait, WHAT?**

**NP: Yeah, I don't have a list yet.**

**Iggy: Do you know how dangerous it is Iggy?**

**NP: As a matter of fact I do not Iggy. Enlighten me.**

**Iggy: Well, what happens if in the space of the story, you feel the need to become an axe murderer, or your writing suddenly becomes psychotic? **

**NP: So, where are you getting with all this?**

**Iggy: Let's see, you could try to decapitate me, maim me, murder me, severely cripple me-**

**NP: God Iggy! I'm not **_**that**_** deranged! I would never hurt you!**

**Iggy: So what do you call the first three chapters?**

**NP: Severe mental scarring. You'll get over it. Now, would you like a hug?**

**Iggy. Start the freaking story. **

**NP: Awww! Wittle baby birdie boy is scared! **

**Iggy: I know what you do to your cousins Barbies when you think no one is looking.**

**NP: Ha! You're scared of a 13 year old girl, while you're a flying mutant? Iggy, I deal my blows with words not fists.**

**Iggy: Exactly. The second is way more dangerous if you are a fictional character. NOW GET ON WITH THE STORY!**

:: What not to do if you are a blind pyro bird kid::

(Written by me because Iggy is afraid of what I will do)

Iggy should have learned by now. Playing a prank on Fang after he and Max get into a fight is not, I repeat, NOT a good idea. But, Iggy being Iggy, decided that the mental picture (from angel of course) of the look on Fang's face would be enough to block out the punishment he was going to get.

It wasn't long before Iggy got his opportunity. He heard footsteps while he was in the living room with Angel, Gazzy, Nudge, Ella, and Dr. Martinez. The board game we were playing was interrupted as I heard the foot steps that I recognized as Fang and Max's. Max's breath was coming quick; she was angry. I heard them storm down the hall into the girl's room, not saying a word to us frozen in the living room. A moment later the yelling came. Their conversation was something about staying, and saving the world and running and being stubborn. The normal stuff.

"Iggy? Iggy! It's your turn!" I heard Gazzy try snapping me out of eavesdropping. I quickly took my turn and tried to listen again. Instead I heard footsteps. I concentrated harder. They were Fang's. He went through the living room to the kitchen and I heard the door squeak open and then slam shut. This was the perfect time.

"I'll go make dinner!" I said getting up from the coffee table.

"Do you want any help?" Max's mom asked. I shook my head, making my memorized way to the kitchen. As long as nobody touched the pots, pans and various ingredients, I could manage fine. I turned the water on, to block out the noise, and after a moment of making sure nobody was coming into the kitchen, I searched around for a certain drawer.

I quickly found it and pulled out the saran wrap. Luckily, it was a brand new box. I located the tape, and began unraveling the wrap. I folded it in on itself four times, so it was extra strong. I held it over the door way, and using my other hand, ripped free a piece of tape. I stretched the wrap tight, so it was practically invisible, before taping the bottom. Now all I had to do was wait. That and cook dinner.

When I had finished making the pasta, I called out to everyone it was ready. Eight feet raced to be the first to the table. I began serving out the bowls as Max and Dr. Martinez came and sat down at the table. I grabbed my own bowl and waited for an unsuspecting Fang to step through the door. I heard Angel gasp and turn to me.

"You wouldn't dare!" She giggled.

"Shush! Eat your dinner!" I told her.

"Wouldn't dare what?" Nudge asked. "Oh! I think we should play truth or dare! That is so much fun! Even though I never really played it. Imagine all the fun stuff we could do-"

"Nothing." I said, shoving food in my mouth. It wasn't long before I heard the sound of feet on the porch. "Fang's home. I noted, and everyone turned toward the door.

"Iggy, what's that stuff on the-" Ella began to ask. She was interrupted as Fang began to walk through the door. Angel sent me a mental picture of what was happening. His usually calm and collected faced was mashed up against saran wrap, and his eyes were wild with surprise. I had wrapped at a lot, so it wouldn't break. He stumbled back in confusion and we all (okay, not Max's mom) laughed at his expression. An expression that instantly turned to 'I'm-going-to-freaking-kill-you-Iggy'. I stopped laughing. I got another picture in my mind of Fang shoving his way through the invisible door and clawing at it to get to me. Dr. Martinez saw what was going on.

"Boys, we can settle this without violence…" Her words were lost as I dashed through the house, Fang hot on my trail. I ran to the back door and flung it open, and took off into the sky. I could only imagine the bruises if Fang caught up with me.

**Iggy: See? You are trying to kill me!**

**NP: No! I would never kill you! As I said before, this is only severe mental scarring. Oh! Speaking of that, I have an idea for the next chapter! I should start-**

**Iggy: Whoa whoa whoa! Not okay! I'm going to end up getting hurt aren't I? This is barbaric!**

**NP:At least you always survive in the end. You could be like Ari or Omega or one of those other experiments that were so horribly tested on and died excruciatingly painful deaths.**

**Iggy: Um, am I supposed to say thank you here? Because you really aren't helping. **

**NP: That was intentional. Now tell the readers to review!**

**Iggy: No! Not after what happened in the last chapter. **

**NP: Why? You always do disclaimers and reviews for other people!**

**Iggy: What?**

**NP: Don't think I haven't read those other stories. I know what's going on. You always say 'So and so doesn't own Maximum Ride!' and 'Read and Review for so and so!'**

**Iggy: If I tell them to review will you stop talking?**

**NP: Yay! Thank you Iggles!**

**Iggy: Never. Call. Me. Iggles.**

**NP: Oh whatever!**

**Iggy: Read and review or I might end up like NP's cousin's barbies!**


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